Leave it all to us. Ascend clutter‑free.
When you’re called upward, your earthly goods shouldn’t weigh you down. Sign them over to our professional Ascension Asset Managers and enjoy the peace of mind that comes from knowing your stuff is in very safe, very earthly hands.
*Rapture Services™ makes no representations about the timing, mechanics, or eligibility criteria of any metaphysical upward transportation events.
Totally legitimate (wink) services
Asset Ascension Assurance
Homes, cars, boats, jet skis, commemorative plates—We collect now so you don’t have to later.
Pet Aftercare Ministry
Certified post‑rapture pet sitters* for dogs, cats, and suspicious parrots. *Snakes negotiable.
Tithe Optimization
We consolidate your accounts into one convenient place: ours. It’s what stewardship would’ve wanted.
Anti‑Looting Blessing
Proprietary yard sign + window decal technology deters the Left‑Behind™ from touching your stuff.
Post‑Rapture Property Mgmt
We’ll mow your lawn, collect rent from those who didn’t make the cut, and tastefully redecorate.
Cloud Luggage Storage
We can’t send suitcases heavenward, but we can stack them neatly in our climate‑controlled warehouse.
Our Three‑Step Ascension Process
- Consecrate & Click. Choose a plan, complete our sacred e‑paperwork, and e‑sign absolutely everything.
- Transfer & Tarry. Deeds, titles, accounts—redirect them to our Custodians of Temporal Goods department.
- Ascend & Relax. If/when you go up, we’ll hold down the fort. If you don’t, we’ll, um, continue holding down the fort.
Faith‑Based Fiduciary Finesse
Our team blends cutting‑edge asset management with old‑fashioned chutzpah. We are bonded, insured, and blessed (probably). With 144,000 satisfied souls* and counting, we’re the market leader in apocalyptic preparedness adjacencies.
*Number may be symbolic.
Choose your Ascension Package
Basic Believer
$49 / lifetime*
- One (1) sacred yard sign
- Email confirmation of your inevitable ascension*
- Pet Aftercare referral list (names redacted)
*No guarantees expressed, implied, or celestial.
Devout Donor
Sign Over House + Car
- Full Asset Ascension Assurance
- 24/7 Post‑Rapture Property Management
- Priority Pet Aftercare (includes goldfish)
- "Do Not Loot—Owner Raptured" decal pack
Transfer fees may apply; we pay ourselves.
Platinum Prophecy
Everything
- Total Asset Consecration (bank accounts included)
- Executive Anti‑Looting Blessing (embossed)
- Cloud Luggage Storage Unlimited
- VIP Heavenly HOA Concierge*
*Concierge purely ceremonial.
What our clients are saying
“I signed over my bass boat and three jet skis. Felt a strange peace descend—possibly tax‑related.”
— Left‑Behind Larry, amateur eschatologist
“The decals alone are worth it. My neighbors haven’t touched my stuff since the trumpet practice began.”
— Ascendant Ashley, trumpet enthusiast
Your questions, selectively answered
Is this real?
As real as a yard sign can make it. This site is satirical; our lawyers insisted we tell you, but our designers begged us to make it look legit.
What happens to my belongings after I ascend?
We keep them extremely safe, curated, and occasionally enjoyed—strictly for stewardship purposes.
Can you guarantee I’ll be raptured?
We guarantee you’ll receive an email with the subject line “You’re going places.” Results may vary by theology, geography, and behavior.
Will my pet be loved?
Yes. Especially if it’s a corgi. Corgis get premium scratches.
Reserve your place in the Heavenly HOA
Complete the totally binding inquiry below and our Asset Evangelists will reach out within 12‑24 trumpet blasts.
Important Disclosures
Rapture Services™ is a work of satire and not a real financial, legal, theological, or metaphysical service. Any resemblance to real grifts, living or dead, is purely coincidental but not surprising. By interacting with this website you agree that you have a sense of humor.